Do you think you can mentally handle not talking to anyone or using any type of technology for 10 days?
Well, I did the insane thing and subjected myself to 10 days of noble silence and constant meditation. I decided to take a journey within to figure out some things in my life, you know the meaning of why I’m alive, why am I being tested certain ways and what is my ultimate purpose here in this world.
The journey started on June 7th at 8 pm after checking into the Vipassana meditation center in Massachusetts and having a very delicious vegetarian dinner. We the new students to this meditation course were instructed to not interact with each. No eye contact, no touching, no writing and certainly no talking. I had the “luxury” of having my own room so not talking became much easier since I didn’t have to coordinate with another person.
The silence came naturally to me, I realize that sometimes I’m not much of a talker but the hardest part was being forced to come face to face with my inner self and actually understand myself from the inside out or better yet, try to begin to understand myself.
On the fifth day of silence, I’m halfway through the course and I don’t feel any different, I manage to not fall asleep while meditating since the third day in but by the fifth, I was getting frustrated. There were two people in the meditation hall that had been getting on top of my last nerve and on that day I ran full force into the brick wall. I sat, as still as a statue and I was cussing up a storm in my head, breaking down more as I felt that everything I was doing was a waste of time. The guy who kept belching (not his fault but in that moment I didn’t care) and the girl who kept sighing (100% her fault) were the people who pushed me over the edge, I remember yelling at the guy (all in my head) that I was trying to be ‘Zen’ and he wasn’t helping because he couldn’t stop belching and the girl got the full force of my anger, I beat the crap out of her (again all in my head) for not being willing to try. I stormed out of the meditation hall and while sitting a determined hour of meditation no one is allowed to leave the hall or else a counselor will immediately check on them. (Still in my head) I paced back and forth until a counselor came to check on me and urged me to calm down and not be so hard on myself and this is where things got interesting and I learned a great deal about myself.
I replied to the counselor that I am always hard on myself no matter what and I pretend that I’m okay whenever anyone inquires but the truth is I’m not okay,
I AM NOT OKAY!
I felt a sensation of tense pressure in my forehead region while repeating the phrase, I’m not okay, and the next thing I know, the levees of tears broke and I completely crumbled under the pressure that hit me like a two-ton truck.
I was not okay and pretending that I was had taken its toll on me without me realizing how deeply it actually affected me. I am incredibly hard on myself and I will work myself into the ground in order to achieve my goals. The realization of that tore me down completely and then the hour of meditation was over.
The days that followed only dug deeper into my pain and I couldn’t stop crying but the upside of this crying fest was that I’d feel relieved after, I somehow knew that everything was going to be alright because I finally understood that nothing is permanent, everything in life is temporary, we are temporary so why must we go crazy over things that will only change within the next second?
Working hard to achieve my goals will never stop but now I know when I’m feeling a certain way that I should just step away from everything immediately to recharge. Nothing is worth losing my sanity and I am trying to hold on to the little that I do have left.
I would definitely go through another 10-day course again because I feel that everything that I’ve gained from it far outweighs the baggage that I was carrying around with me and unintentionally hurting the people I care or cared about.
In order to love anyone, I have to love myself first, not partially but fully.
I recommend 100% that if you get a chance to participate in a 10-day course of Vipassana to plunge right in, anything can be fixed if we know what the problem is and coming face to face with yourself will indeed enlighten you on what exactly is wrong so you can start to mend it.
I have begun a life’s journey of being good to myself, starting with my declaration of freedom. Life is beautiful and I just want to enjoy it.
So tell me would you give up 10 days to take a journey within yourself?