evolution

Recently I found out some news that caused my whole world to fall apart and for the first time in my life, I think I’m going through the 7 stages of grief.

The stages are:

• SHOCK & DENIAL
• PAIN & GUILT
• ANGER & BARGAINING
• DEPRESSION, REFLECTION, LONELINESS
• THE UPWARD TURN
• RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
• ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

Shock and denial, pain, guilt and anger all mixed up into one feeling, I went on a rage for weeks! I cut communication with almost everyone and just cried my eyes out.

 

I stopped eating for days because I couldn’t bring myself to understand what was happening to me and why was I reacting like a mad woman.

 

My meditation took a nose dive because every time I sat down to face the pain I was feeling inside I’d start to cry, full force bawling that would last for almost an hour, the pain was too much to handle and I didn’t want to feel anything anymore.

 

I’d have random breakdowns everywhere; I had no control over my emotions. A wave of thoughts and feelings would hit me and the weight of everything would just make me collapse.

 

I felt all alone on this planet with the whole weight of the world on my shoulders and a rhinoceros sitting on my chest, there was no up to look, no light to walk into, just nothingness.

 

I’m still learning to handle all these emotional breakdowns with a healthy approach because I no longer want to be self-destructive and use other people to help me ignore what was happening to me.

 

I am done running from myself.

 

Even though I might feel like I’m walking under water with cemented shoes trying to find a pocket of air to breathe, I know that things will be okay; I try to convince myself that I will be better than okay.

 

I don’t believe those words yet but in order to keep going, to keep making music, to keep living, I have to trust those words.

 

Music has played a great part in helping me break through the darkness, it’s slowly healing me. In order to not collapse under the pressure of everything, I turn to music to let every self-destructive, depressive and guilt-ridden emotion out.

 

I can’t promise to stay active with communicating with people because I know I’ll retreat into a world where I can feel no pain but at the same time I know I’ll be experiencing every raw form of agony in this retreated world. I’m choosing to think of this time as a self-reformation period when I emerge from this world I will be a better version of myself.

 

When we go through intense times in our lives, when everything goes up in flames, it means we are close to evolving into a better version of ourselves. I’m trying my best to not make this time break me and if you are going through anything similar please don’t let it break you. We have to embrace the pain and learn from it. We are becoming something more beautiful.